First off I’d like to thank you all for your email and comments. You have now idea what it means to me, to know I’ve touched your lives to such an extent. I’m sorry I don’t have the time, patience, or skill necessary to answer all your letters. I thought I’d publicly answer a few messages,here. Hopefully the answers will benefit more then just the writers.
Let’s start off with all the people who’ve written in to tell me I’m pre approved for a loan, or that they’re ready to loan me money, they’ve considered my small business debt request, or that the funds are ready for pick up. Thank you all very much, but I’m not looking for money. In fact I have no money, no small business and no desire for either. I, like billions of people world wide at the bottom of the social and financial pyramid, or completely cut off from said same pyramid want one thing and one thing only. Something you can’t give us, I’m afraid. Power. Real Power, the power of life and death, the power to destroy, the power to create, the power to grind our enemies beneath our heels and the power to bring forth life itself. i’m sorry, but nothing else will do. But thank you anyway for your many and various offers.
To all those people who email me about how they’ve just started to have sex, well, i’m sorry, I just delete your letters. I haven’t started to have sex yet, and I want it to be a complete surprise, I want to approach sex with out any preconceptions, uncolored by your tales, and to be completely devoid of the typical western attitudes toward sex. Sorry, but it’s just the way it is.
I’m getting a lot of email about various people’s partners appendages popping out of various orifices. Despite still not having sex yet, I am an expert in the area of Midnight Engineering and can help. For temporary fitting of the appendage to the orifice use duct tape. For a more permeant fitting use super glue. Fo all those people complaining about these various and sundry appendages being too big for the many assembled orifices i recommend leaches. Apply them liberally. Conservative application of leeches almost always necessitates constant rotation of leeches and then a surge of leeches, but that’s another story for another day.
For all those letter writers complaining about their various partners various appendages being small, tiny, or lost in the last housecleaning, I’m sorry. You can either get magnifying glasses or dump your partner. They’ll thank you for it later, when they realize how much they’ve improved the gene pool by not swimming in it and foisting off another generation of small appendages on humanity. I must admit this is one of the many reasons I haven’t started having sex yet. Despite my tremendous girth I have quite small appendages, and barely a 25 inch inseam (which causes my 30 inch long penis to drag on the ground and get all scabby).
Which reminds me, please don’t send me all that information on breast and penis enhancement pill/plans/products/investment plans. I’m sorry, but when you have a 53D bosom, a 56 inch waist and a 30 inch long 13 inch in diameter penis you have enough of a problem finding clothes that fit. If any of me got any bigger I’d need a trailer to carry myself around.
I’m quite surprised at all the letters I get about OEM software, legal software sales, MS Office and Adobe Photoshop. I really have no idea what any of this is for. I just use my computer to surf the web and write my blog, so all I need is my web browser. But I’ve forwarded your letters to the Software Business Association, a trade group of like minded business people. Perhaps you can help each other out.
For all my well wishers who want me to imagine I’m healthy, well, I do. It doesn’t seem to help, but I’ve always imagined I’m healthy.
Many, many, many people seem to think I need drugs, And have sent me letters about the pharmacy america trusts, online drugs and all the usual drugs. Your parents drugs, the drugs of the running dog lackeys of the bourgeois establishment. The Man’s Drugs, the drugs of decadence, evil substances divorced from mother nature or her children. So for all of you write in, well, I’m sorry but I don’t do any drug that isn’t a natural product, or available locally, preferably in the convenience of my local alley. And furthermore, I believe that taking drugs to put back what the lord has removed from your head or body is a sin, for which the manufacturers and distributors will rot in hell forever. The Lord removed my hair and sex drive for a reason, and you Rogaine and Ciallis peddlers are going to suffer eternal tomrnet and have various invasive procedures performed upon your various orifices by many and varied flaming, freezing, and rusty objects wielding by demonic members of the ethnic minority you hold in the least esteem. Or if your really unlucky your countries will be wracked by civil war, famine, a failure of the local cash crop, foreign troops out to free you from a desperate tyrant or soccer hooligans. I meanwhile will be gloating in heaven for having resisted your evil products and learned to deal with not having started to having sex yet and a bald spot the size of Rhode Island.
And that’s as good a place as any to end this episode of the FFEJWORLD mailbag.
