300 plus emails to power through. I’ve lost count of how many I’ve read today.
And the evening is still young.
Archive for the 'Comedy' Category
Durbin voted FOR the Catfood commission report, saying it would increase jobs and decrease the deficit. Since it extends tax breaks for the wealthy that have demonstrably done neither in the 8 years they’ve been in place and cuts Social Security-which is a trust you pay into, Durbin has stated his allegiance. He’s a sell out to the wealthy. Ok you prick, you’ve just pissed off your base. Start packing, start looking for a wall street or lobbyist gig.
Duct tape is a handy pet hair remover. if you have pets, leave rolls of it in
every room, preferably by the tissues.
Have an unruly pet? Duct Tape Bondage Party Time!
Blood will cover up old grass stains!
Have a pet who is always licking your feet or toes? slather your toes with
tabasco or a generic hot sauce. Or use the stirgil a little more thoroughly at
the bathhouse!
Always know where your pets and your weapons are at night or in the dark.
Try not to step on either!
In this time of fiscal upheaval, consolidate your purchases! no single task items! Anything that will clean your carburetor will clean your coffee pot! Remember, even if you can’t multitask, your cleaning supplies can!
Leaving little trays of peanuts out will give your apartment that festive look and will rid you of guests with ground nut allergies quickly!
Never buy shampoo in a pump container, you”l waste expensive hot water when you have to take it apart to get at the last bit below pump level-which can be a lot!
Have some unplanned for guests for breakfast? Tyvek spun olefin resin building cladding is actually polyethylene-the same stuff honeycombs are made of! Who doesn’t like honeycombs for breakfast! It’s cheap and it keeps forever!
Body wash means watered down ineffective but smelly soap, and it’s useless for anything else. Remember, maximize your purchases, so single taskers! Use car wash instead, it’s cheaper and you’ll love the shine!
You can use tofu in any recipe that calls for mayonnaise, and it’s healthier, too!
Your cat may love to ride the Vespa, but cats pathologically forget to mix the oil and gas. Premix it for them!
Moisturizing shampoo for dry hair is ineffective shampoo that doesn’t remove ground in dirt in your carpet or motor oil from your molotov rags. Plus it smells like a cheap cathouse. Really, why aren’t you using car wash?
Chopped nuts make icy walkways easy to traverse. Peanut butter or nutella is not a substitute for fresh chopped nuts!
In this time of economic uncertainty it’s wise to never throw anything away! RECYCLE! Your old bra can be recycled into an imaginative candy dish! Quilt those old briefs! Holey t-shirts make ecellent molotov rags!
Hand sanitizer is alcohol in a quick evaporating gel base a bit of cathouse perfume. it’s not soap, so don’t put it out for your guests! But it is a great charcoal starter! Also keep a bottle on you incase you get lost in the woods: the cathouse aroma will bring rescuers running!
Do you leave the door open when you shower for fear of radon gas poisoning, only
to find strangers walking in and engaging you while you shower? Keep the outside
door closed, and only open the bathroom door!
No animal is truly hypoallergenic. keep lots of allergy medicine on hand, and
make sure it’ll work for pet allergies. zyrtec will, claritan won’t. benedryl
will too, and doubles as a sedative for hyperactive pets and children!
Don’t let the dog get his own food from the fridge. dogs, like homeless people
have a problem with portion control. Plus, it’ll leave paw prints on the
brie!
Don’t let your pets feed your guests. Most pets are callous about dietary
restrictions and allergies. and cats never pick the right wine for dinner!
If you have problems making your dog heel, it’s probably a top. Buy it a leather
collar with studs and tell it how butch it looks, and it will heel like a submissive!
Some of your friends and guests may be afraid of your pets. They may have had
horrible experiences with other peoples pets or significant others. You have to
be understanding and tolerant. But you have to get new friends. Don’t worry, you can find new friends almost anywhere!
You can make play-doh from oil and flour. Before you add the coloring, use it to
clean your wallpaper!
Oil and oatmeal makes excellent sweeping compound, it does wonders picking up pet hair. Remember extra virgin olive oil and machine cut rolled irish oats only!
Water your plants at least once a month or your pets will do it for you!
Do not drink before you operate heavy machinery. Heavy is relative, if you can’t
lift your vacuum cleaner, washer dryer or can opener over your head sober, don’t
use it while inebriated Sewing machines and knife sharpeners are
heavy machinery in spite of their weight!
Don’t run with pretzel sticks in the house, you’ll slip and fall and stab your
self. then you’ll be laughed at in the emergency room, and scared for
life-literally and figuratively. Don’t believe me? Ask my brother!
Do not leave chocolate covered fruit and nuts around for guests. no. Really.
Don’t!
Your dog will say he’s sober enough to drive you home from the bar, but he never is. Neither is your cat!
Some parakeets have an allergy that makes them get drunk on ginger ale. So leave crackers out with the fizy water!
Always ask your guests what phone they use as a guide to their tastes and needs.
iphone users need to be pampered, and always expect the towels to be in the same
place in the bathroom (and clean). Android users will find their way, and
wash dirty towels, or make them from scratch. Blackberry users have never seen
a towel. Most Nokia users are of the age where they have to be bathed. Windows
phone users shouldn’t be allowed in your home. No one has ever met a Palm Pre
user to ascertain their needs or wants.
Dryer lint is highly combustible. Always keep handfuls in your pockets in case
you get lost in the woods and need fire starter!
Don’t ask your pet’s opinion when shopping for clothes, unless your going to let
them wear it. Doubly true for bathing suits!
It would seem that the average house cat is the right size and shape for car
washing. This is true, but they’re way to lazy to help you wash the car. The
average toy poodle is perfect for this purpose. And it makes them happy!
A locked drawer or cabinet is an invitation for a houseguest to snoop. Leave your secrets hidden in plain sight!
Picking the right wine for the right meal is easy, if you remember the following
rules. Red for Mickey D’s. White for Burger King. Rose for Taco Bell/Pizza Hut.
Mad Dog for White Castle. Sparkling wines are acceptable for Five Guys, In and
Out, or your favorite boutique/regional burger.
And remember, if life gives you liming bricks, make masa flour!
Dear [insert name here],
Upon further consideration of our recent phone conversation/instant messages/social software exchange/letter/bar brawl/conversation at the cafe, I’ve decided you are wrong. Dead Wrong.
My emails are short, terse, and usually center upon one link or image. My subject lines are carefully chosen for wordplay/humor/contrast/street cred and are quite humorous. I fucking agonize over them, i spend hours working them over, getting them to just the right balance of off the cuff and studied surrealism. As a by product, they’re guaranteed to get past any spam filter, most of which will eat a post with a subject “Here’s a cool link for you!”
Frankly, I found your ad hominum attack to be out of character/silly/proof of your genetic defects/jingoistic claptrap/wingnuttery at it’s worst/total moonbat shit/dull and boring/confusing at best. Am I or my email really to blame for your divorce/fractured skull/bed wetting/favorite team’s loss in the play offs/celibacy/warts? I don’t think so. Your transferring your own failings onto me, and I shan’t put up with it.
In short, If you’re looking for a ready scapegoat, go fuck yourself. Nasally With a fire hydrant..
FFEJ
PS And you can take your comments about my lack of education/spelling/grammar/fondness of lowercase/mixing of tenses and wraap it around thirty feet of rusty shit splattered barbed wire. And floss with it.
Right here, with transcript.
The Marketing of Ivan Ilyich
Deep Inside Anna Karenina
The Nephews Karamazov
War & Pieces of Ass
The Fucking Idiot
Anna Karenina does St. Peteresburg
Crime and Punishment: Special Victims Unit
The Kingdom of God is Within Her: the Lives and Loves of Anna Karenina, as told to Count Leo Tolstoy
Just saw the first half of The Venture Brothers season 4. This because they’re releasing the second half. Possibly the most ambitious show on tv. Certainly the only one with character development. Wow. Any show where Jonny Quest is a recovering junkie & Race Bannon is a government torturer can’t be all bad.
“I fought the law and there was no clear winner because the law is an abstract entity and boy can I ruin a joke.”-Mark Pilgrim, Diveintomark (Mark is also the author of this gem).
UPDATED: More info and links and a belated happy birthday…
In a lot of ways I’m the John Dvorak of social media. If I think a website is a bad idea, it invariably ends up being useful and/or a huge success. One case in point is YouTube. I really couldn’t see how a website devoted to short snippets of tv shows I never watched and bootleg music videos I never wanted to see in the first place was useful. Then I started randomly looking for things that interested me, Like F.M. Or like these 30-40 year old TV performances of Tom Lehrer (even then I had to trip over a link on Mark Evanier’s site to even think about looking for TL on YouTube- Thanks Mark!).
I got it from Agnes (1980, Michael Parkinson show in England-this song was an update of an old party song he did “I got it from Sally” included in the musical review TOMFOOLERY-he didn’t record it until the Rhino boxed set in 2000)
Poisoning Pidgeons in the Park.
Tom Lehrer’s work was featured on the American version of That Was The Week That Was, broadcast in the mid 60′s, and which I’m still searching for clips of. Bonus Autralian interview from 2003. Yes, he’s still alive, his 80th birthday was April 9th. No, he doesn’t perform anymore. Search you tube for even more Tom Lehrer.
(In response to all the email, here’s the performance he did for Irving Kaplansky’s 80th birthday celebration 11 years ago (all math songs, what do you expect from a mathematician’s birthday). The Onion AV Club interview, the SF Weekly interview and the Paul D. Lehrman interview.)
And you can still buy Tom on Amazon…
